Am I still a writer if I don't write?
I wanted to do a play on words with the “if a tree falls” analogy — but it was too complicated, so I gave up.
Yesterday, I had a really great conversation with a new mentor (is it too soon to call it that if I only just spoke with him for the first time yesterday?) and he asked me to rank from 1 to 10 the following vocational interests: 1) writing 2) interfaith and 3) fundraising.
I won’t elaborate on the last two as those are deserving of their own posts. Without thinking though, I gave writing a 10. I’ve been calling myself a writer for almost 8 years now, but what do I have to show for it?
A couple of weeks ago, I completed the fourth (fifth?) revision of my memoir. At the end of the revision session, I told myself: I am ready to start writing a proposal and querying for an agent.
I haven’t written that proposal.
I am not ready to start querying.
I still have doubts about whether my memoir is good enough.
For those of you who have read parts of my memoir or all of it (thank you, Elaine!), that statement is ironic or perhaps apropos because the title of my memoir is “Never Good Enough.”
I guess I haven’t learned my lesson yet. My narrative arc is still building toward the climax.
So what if I pitch and I hear nothing? Or if I do hear back with a “not interested” or “there’s promise, but you’re not ready”? Is that really such a bad thing?
I continue to hold myself back, because I am perpetually waiting for permission. Permission from my father, permission from my sister, permission from my husband, permission from the “world…” as if the world can really communicate explicitly with me. I’m always looking for signs, but I’ve not had a 100% success rate with interpreting signs.
Today, I had no excuse. I did what I “needed” to do. I’ve been telling myself for the past couple of days that I need to write a post. I’ve written things in my mind while running or showering, but then when I get on my laptop, I just stop. Let’s refresh that inbox again to see if I have gotten any eagerly expected emails. Any new text messages? What’s going on in the world?
Writing feels self-indulgent.
And yet, I can’t not do it.
One of these days, I tell myself, I’m going to write something with substance. Yet I always fail to live up to those standards. I find all the excuses I can - I don’t have the time. What would I add to the conversation anyway? I don’t have a PhD. I don’t even have a job anymore.
But at least I wrote this post. So there’s that. Maybe my next post will actually be about something.
Unless you're actively working with a writing coach to help you improve the manuscript, I really don't see a point in waiting. Send it out and see what comes back, then work from there to improve it - if you get rejections (which, by the way, are almost certain...it's just part of being a writer).
Or if you still want to wait, get on board with someone who specialises in memoir and work with them towards a deadline of when you want to submit to publishers. Sitting in self-doubt isn't going to get you anywhere, other than dragging this out far longer than it needs to be.
Close your eyes and take the leap...
(And to answer the title, yes, you are still a writer. You gave me that answer many years ago in one of my posts when I was doubting myself.)
Hi Rafia, I resonate so much with this sentiment. “Writing feels self-indulgent. But I can’t not do it.” I have a long list of pieces that are half done, or in my head, that I feel I have to write but don’t have the time to do. As I was telling my husband last night, I feel in my body that I must get them out.