Black & White Thinking
And how writing can help move beyond it.
First off, I want to thank everyone who commented on my last post. For a few, it must have come across as confusing when I mentioned that writing a memoir entailed condemnation. I assume others knew just what I was referring to.
From my earliest memories of Sunday School to just this past Thursday when my husband wanted to stop by at the masjid to pray and I hesitated, black and white thinking when it comes to Islam (and much else in my life, really) continues to hold sway over me.
I thought I had gained a more nuanced understanding of the Islamic tradition, and though I have, the need for certainty remains.
After a week-long retreat last month in which I attended all-day classes in the Islamic sciences, I was confronted by a past I thought I had left behind.
When the term ghiba (backbiting) was evoked by one of the scholars, I immediately thought about my memoir. I know my dad - pre-dementia - would have stopped at the first mention of anything less than idealized. I don’t know what he would have done, but he would not have been happy. I don’t know how my mom will respond. I’m not even sure about my Canadian-born siblings now that I think about it.
No one in my family likes to write. They couldn’t understand why I feel compelled to put things down in writing, which is why I’ve kept it in hidden for most of my writing life.
We all want to be seen by others though. Writing is the medium I chose, perhaps, or the one that chose me.
Aren’t we all story-tellers in some way? Either be acts of comission or omission?
Some people like to talk on the phone daily. I enjoy one-on-one conversations, but it takes me a while to open up to people, even those I love. Writing gives me the space to not feel like I need to have it all figured out, the time to think of the right word to use, and by the end have something that I (and others) can take away.
These past couple of weeks have been a test for me.
The whole point of writing this memoir was to stop being so afraid, to show that despite all of the imperfections and pasts we cannot change, there is always room for forgiveness - for loved ones who hurt you, for yourself, and from the greatest of all sources of forgiveness, Al-Ghafoor Ar-Raheem.
Life is not perfect, and I need to stop letting idealized messages that lack nuance affect me as much as they do.
Writing - and my fellow writers, you who are reading this - help me. So, thank you!
I am not giving up on my manuscript. I don’t know what will come of it, but I know God will help me find a way, as God always has.
I will continue to write… to sort through this tendency to think in terms only of black and white, all or nothing.
Even God is not either/or. The 99 names of God inspire both fear and hope.
You can’t swing to any extreme, but need to hold them both together.
Question for those who are reading: Do you struggle with black and white thinking? In what areas (if you feel comfortable sharing)? Have you found something that helps you live with the tension inherent in most things in this life?
love this, it's so hard, writing, but rooting for you and your book!!!
I wrote and self-published a memoir about 10 years ago. Now, I'm serializing my latest memoir chapter by chapter on Substack. So, I have some sense of what you're going through, and I hope to encourage you to keep going.
What struck me about your tone was your openness, simplicity, and honesty. I think we all struggle with black and white thinking, but if you're asking the question, then you're aware of it, which is a heck of a lot better than unconsciously believing you do not fall into this way of thinking.